Reflections

Confused and Frustrated

I really want to write today, but I don’t want to write publicly. I’ll admit it. What I want to write about is extremely personal. It might make me look bad, or that certain person who takes pleasure in insulting me. I don’t know.

I’ve been able to deal with difficult people my whole life. That’s my reputation. I’ve made friends with some of the most difficult people. I interpret negativity as a challenge. I work harder and more deliberately when I have something to prove.

But this particular person behaves irrationally. Dozens of people have told me that I am only this person’s most recent victim. I was warned about this person last year. But I had the reputation of getting along with difficult people, so I didn’t think I would be the victim.

Sometimes I’m vain enough to think that this person feels threatened by me. I questioned this person’s claims a few months ago. Maybe I shouldn’t have, but I don’t really have any regrets.

Some adults behave irrationally. All of us do from time to time, but I’m starting to realize that some people are so pathologically irrational and unpredictable that there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

Emotionally manipulative people get a kick out of messing with others. They are very insecure even if they are in leadership positions. I am not sure how to respond to all that has happened. I just want a professional relationship with this person, but it may never happen.

I don’t care if this person dislikes me as a person (why, I don’t know), but I deserve respect. I’m not upset. I’m mostly just confused. I’ve always approached difficult people with the assumption that there is a good reason why they behave the way they do. But I’m not sure what to do here. I’ve never had the opportunity to get to know this person.

If I complain, then I am perceived as a complainer. If I take it without protest, I feel like I have allowed this person to win.

I am also a proud person. I want to be recognized for my accomplishments and intelligence. I think the reason why I have always been able to get along with difficult people is that I have always been somewhat of an outsider myself.

All of this drama is such a distraction. My relationship to this person should be purely professional, but I feel like we’re playing Russian roulette. As a woman, I am eternally self-conscious of my public image. I will not allow someone to treat me like a carpet mat, but I have to approach difficult situations with care. My reputation could be ruined in an instant.

There was so much potential. I am still hopeful that things will change. I keep telling myself that someday, I will be recognized by this person for my passion and my intelligence. But will I?

Well, I still wrote my 500 words for the day. I didn’t allow this person to prevent me from working toward my goals. I interpret this as a small victory!

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